the unknown trust fall

as humans, i believe we all have different love languages. some of us may fall madly in love by the words someone speaks, the actions someone performs, or maybe even the gifts someone gives you. however, no matter what specific act of love stirs your heart the most, i think it is important to understand the foundation of where we find love. for me personally, i LOVE talking with someone. sitting down with little to no distractions and have meaningful conversation. BEAUTIFUL. my mom is a gift giver. she loves sacrificing her time and thinking of ways to brighten someones day by gifting them with something. i think it is fair to say that as humans, we crave love. we crave to be loved. it is in our humanity. we do not want to be left out. we want to be thought of, spoken to, respected, loved.

throughout high school i struggled in some of my hardest moments because i wasn’t secure in the fact that the people i loved, loved me. sometimes relationships can feel like a one way street which causes your heart to hit the exhaust button. you reach a point where you do not have anything else to give because you feel unloved. your earthly needs are not being fulfilled due to the fact that you are doing life with other humans. it’s as simple as that. now, i am not saying that doing life with others cannot be beautiful, because i can promise you there is nothing more beautiful than a community where you are sought after and running after the Lord together. recently, i have realized that i have placed much of my joy in whether or not i am surrounded by “my people.” i mean, they are pretty INCREDIBLE people, so how could i not miss the joy they give me?!?! right?!? right. although i have an insanely cool community, that community is not to be where i place my identity. as i touched on in my last post, my life has been crazy recently. without going into details, i can tell you that i am currently living at home and having to take classes online. (side note: before there are speculations and ideas as to why, it is a subject that i cannot speak about at the moment but i can promise you i miss all my friends at dbu and having an everyday college life. so please don’t speculate hehe) this has caused me to miss my community. it has caused me to miss being only a few doors down from some of my best friends. i’ve sat and sulked, trust me. facetime is not the same y’all. IT IS NOT THE SAME.

PLOT TWIST: God showed up. just a little bit of His heart showed up today. to be completely vulnerable with you all, i was on the verge of a breakdown. i wanted to be invited to do something. i wanted to have girl talk with my friends or squeeze into a twin sized bed with them and eat popcorn and watch chick flicks in a dorm the size of my closet at home. i wanted to go to church with my friends and get bagels after, like we always had. my sister even calls me “miss congeniality” because I LOVE PEOPLE. however, back to the point. God showed me His heart today. i’ve been going through Philippians and today I was significantly blessed by reading Philippians chapter three.

Phil. 3:12 states, “Not that i have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.”  then, Phil. 3:20 states, “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.” 

that right there are only two little snippets of this beautiful chapter that holds SO much truth. however, these two verses really stood out to me and stirred my heart. these words stirred my heart more than all of the conversation with another human being ever could. my heart is able to reach an entirely new depth of love when i read the Word of God, let me tell ya.

the point in all of this is to express to you all that you are loved!!!! you are chosen!!!! you have citizenship in Heaven!!!! you are not a citizen of this earth striving toward Heaven, even. instead, you are a citizen of Heaven making your way through this world. this truth opened my eyes to realize that all of the love that my earthly being can try and reach will still never be enough because there will always be something greater. SO SO MUCH GREATER. if i combined all the love i have ever felt amongst my family or any of my communities, it would still be unable to fill my heart to the brim. however, i would like to proclaim that with the most joy. why? the inability for earthly beings to fill my heart is because of  a father who loves me even more, and THAT is worth rejoicing in. THAT is worth moving onward and upward for. THAT is worth my life.

it is hard to fight my own emotions at times. my emotions tell me i am unloved because i’m lacking community at the moment. my emotions tell me i did not love my people well enough. my emotions create insecurities that draw me farther from the truth. but then comes Jesus. it is like a trust fall, except you are never fully aware of how close you are to falling all the way down, but He is. He is aware of our every emotions and every downfall, and He is ready to point us to truth when we understand our weaknesses. today, i am thankful for my weaknesses. i am thankful for my tattered heart that is drawn to beat itself down because my weaknesses constantly draw me closer to His strength. today, i am thankful for His word. I am thankful for His truth. I am thankful for the citizenship in Heaven in which i do not deserve, yet i have. today, i am thankful to be loved by a father that knows my heart and accepts it because He knows the struggles of humanity.

so, i write this so that you can be confident in the Lord’s love for you. i write this so you can be confident in your citizenship in Heaven. THROW A PARTY ABOUT IT!!!  i write this so you can dwell in the nearness of Him and know that His heart in and of itself is enough. we have the ability to go onward and upward due to the truth in which Christ made us His own. i pray you fall in love with the confidence only His love can give you. i also pray that when you feel yourself falling, you allow yourself to fall. for one thing i know for sure is that every time i fall and my humanity fails me, i fall more and more in love with the Lord as i find more about His character.

onward & upward. you are chosen. you are a citizen of heaven. go into this week proclaiming THAT.

xoxo, kirsty

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